I'm Allowed To Be Disappointed In Myself
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Look, I AM ALLOWED TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. Anyone who has set a goal, put in the work, and then didn't give 100% knows how disappointing it is should you fall short. I have abad habit of making excuses when I don't accomplish my goals. I hold myself back and then I convince myself that it wasn't my fault. The worst thing I can do right now is tell myself that I had a bad day or use any excuse to justify the fact that I didn't push myself when the final 2 miles got hard.
Before going into the Queens 10K, my goal was to run a sub 47 minute 10K. I've done it in practice, and I ran a similar time last weekend on a very hilly course. It was 100% doable. But the morning of the race, we were late. Like REALLY late. We crossed the starting line 30 minutes after the race began and we spent 5 miles weaving in and around other runners. And it was hot. And my shorts were riding up so my thighs were chafing. And I was thirsty. And every time I looked at my watch, I panicked. I've got about 100 more excuses to justify the moment when I gave up during the race but you get the idea. There's always a really good excuse.
At mile 4 I gave up. Instead of pushing like I did last weekend, I wasn't present. I didn't even fight to stay with it, I just stopped pushing myself and ran. That's what happens when you stop being present. I was so focused on getting the race over with that I gave up on myself. And that's why I'm disappointed.
Giving up sucks. It sucks that I gave myself an out and then took it. There have been so many times over the years when I've given up. From the millions of times I tried and failed to lose weight to being in school and I used excuses to justify my lack of care and hard work. I have to be disappointed in myself so that when I want to give up, I remember how sh*tty I feel. Remember last week the high I felt after I finished? I want that feeling of accomplishment to speak louder than getting comfortable and giving up when the discomfort sets in.
It's all about stakes. If you don't attach stakes to your goals, you won't feel compelled to make them happen. And that means feeling disappointed if you fall short. But I'm not going to sit here and hold a pity party. It's time to brush myself off and push on. BQ'ing isn't going to be easy. I knew that. But quitting now would be infinitely harder. I want this. I want to see if I can do this which is why I'm refocusing on the goal and I'm going to push through this set back. Giving up is always an option but so is going forward.
It's not about how badly you want something. It's about how hard you're willing to work for it. I can talk a big game. BELIEVE ME, I can hype BQ'ing until the cows come home but if I can't do the work, than it will never happen. Sure I want this but it's time to see if I'm willing to really work for it. It's now or never.
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Until next time, #RunSelfieRepeat.