Ep 120: Convincing Myself I Don't Care
Seeing all the hype around Boston...I find myself throwing on my armor in an attempt to distance myself from feeling hurt, fear, or anything that reminds me that my impossible is still impossible. BQ or Bust started as a stunt. A silly way for me to share what it was like to take my marathon training seriously enough to try to run a terrifying time. But as the marathon tends to do, it took on a life of its own. One of my biggest defense mechanisms is to try to convince myself that I don’t care. By convincing myself that I don’t care, I think I won’t be hurt if things don’t go my way. Full disclosure, I’m finding myself doing that with BQ or Bust right now. I know there’s a lot to unpack, and I did my best to put my thoughts into this episode of the Run, Selfie, Repeat podcast but I want to be transparent.
Things are going well. I’m feeling strong as hell and it really doesn’t make sense why I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t care...but here we are. I think whenever things start to feel real and the stakes get bigger, its hard not to want to run from the possibility of failure. But like I’ve learned time and time and time and time and time and time again, the only way you can ever fail is if you fail to give it your all. Easier said than done. I know. This shit is hard. And as I read the stories that are submitted to @shecanandshedid from women running for their lives, I’m reminded that it’s not about the time or the goal. It’s about my why. Why I run. Why I push myself. And why I want to be brave enough to care. It’s scary. It’s all very scary. And hard. One step at a time. No regrets. No excuses. I can and I am. I can and I will.
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