My Biggest Regret Is Not Believing In Myself

It was only 2 hours after I finished my first marathon that I decided that I wanted to run a sub 4 hour marathon. I was sitting in the back of my parent's car, head propped up by the window, physically exhausted, when my Dad asked me if I would ever run a marathon again. "Yes," I said back to him, "but next time, I want to do it under 4 hours." It took me 5 marathons to run a sub 4 and even when I did, I still didn't believe that I could do it.

The fact that I was afraid to fail is one of my biggest regrets. Looking back, I remember how hesitant I felt to announce that I was going to try. I was convinced that finishing a marathon with a smile on my face was enough of an accomplishment. And it is! Being able to run a marathon is an incredible accomplishment in and of itself but I couldn't help but want to see just how fast I could go. Then last year, when I ran the Berlin Marathon, I finished in 4 hours and 2 minutes, and I felt disappointed that I didn't 100% after my goal. I thought it would be an easier pill if I danced around the goal and just hoped it would happen.  

If I could go back in time, I'd commit 100% to running a sub 4. It hurts to remember how much I doubted myself. That's a part of the reason why I'm so nervous about my upcoming Boston Marathon qualifying (BQ) attempt during this year's Chicago Marathon. I'm all in. I'm doing everything I can to make it happen and I know that if I fall short, I'll still feel proud but I'm still afraid of failing. I know it's crazy but it's how I feel.

One things for sure, after last year, I'll never stop myself from fully committing to a goal again. I know I can do it, and I know that it may not happen on the first try. And if it doesn't, I'm not giving up. BQ or Bust!